What Every Man Should Be Told About Babies

Any parent should be familiar with the book "What to expect when you're expecting." It's a big ole monster that details the forty weeks of the human gestational period. It's meant to help you prepare for pregnancy and what happens after you bring your little guy of gal home from the hospital (unless you're one of those uber hippies who scoffs at modern medicine and chooses to pop your kid out in a bath tub). It's a good book, I guess, but it fails to truly cover the things that no one tells you about babies. So, please take the following posting as my very abridged version of "What to Expect Once Your Little Monster Comes Home: What Every Man Should Be Told About Babies."

1. Soy should be illegal.

Both of my boys had some pretty adverse lactose issues. We quickly switched them to a soy based formula to soothe their little tummies. The transition went well for both boys, but was a scarring event for me. During every feeding, a baby must be burped. My kids obviously inherited my gene of prolific gas exertion so they both burped like grown men. This really isn't a problem unless your kid must go the soy route. Soy burps can change your entire outlook on what you think stink really is. It's toxic, and is kind of like getting stuck behind a dump truck in traffic, it lingers like a beast. I swear that my youngest Matthew used to get a kick out of turning toward me just as a blue ribbon burp rolled up his chest. ugh.

2. Babies have a natural instinct to suckle.

I won't go too far in to this one, but it should be noted that from birth a baby knows exactly how to suckle. So gentlemen, be sure to wear a shirt when you go to rock your baby back to sleep at night. No one wants to be involved in that awkward of a father/son moment.

3. Babies love to squeeze.

For the first few months of a baby's life their little hands interact with everything they touch by squeezing. Do yourself a favor and protect your sensitive areas. When Jackson was only a few months old we put him in bed with us one evening when he was finding it difficult to rest. When a baby sleeps in your bed instinct kicks in and you become statuesque. Amanda and I both faced inward, with Jackson positioned in between us, and I unknowingly tucked one arm up behind my head and dozed off. Somewhere around an hour later I was torn from the depths of peaceful sleep by a life-changing level of pain. Apparently Jackson wasn't sleeping well and began to toss and turn a bit. In his wanderings, his little left hand found my armpit. Nothing says welcome to parenthood more vividly than trying to unclasp your infant's hands from your armpit hair while fighting the instinct to scream in pain for fear that you'll wake him. He never shared our bed again.

4. Deep coughs mean trouble.

Listen, if you are laying in bed one night and are awoken by the sound of your baby's gentle cough, it's ok. However, if that cough gets heavier and finishes with a deep guttural sound like an animal would make, it's a different story altogether. Go ahead and get up, grab the rubber gloves, spare sheets, diapers, pajamas, and some disinfectant spray because there's a 90% chance that your kid just vomited all over everything. Oh, and be sure and wear clothes you don't really care about because you're going to have to interact with a vomit covered kid, which quickly becomes a vomit covered family.

5. Baby monitors mean business.

Parents are asked to put a lot of faith in a $29.99 piece of electronics you pick up on the sale isle at Babies R Us. Your brand new human being could be choking to death and you are meant to simply plug in both components so you can leap to the rescue should the unthinkable happen. That sounds quite daunting, especially if you are a heavy sleeper. But rest easy. Baby monitors are specially designed to transmit your child's every whimper at a volume that could stop a human heart. I swear the first time Jackson began crying in the monitor I pee'd a little, in fear that I was being attacked by a legion of wailing demons. A sudden cough can rupture your ear drums. Do yourself a favor, turn the volume down a little to help avoid incidents of arrhythmia and soiled sheets.

6. Drool happens.

Babies are born with many inherent abilities, such as suckle when hungry, cry at everything, and react to sound. However, no child in history has ever been born with the ability to operate it's bottom lip. It's like an open faucet at all times. A session of "playing with dad on the floor" can quickly turn in to baby spit in your mouth. It happens. You expect that. What you don't expect is the chemical reaction that occurs when baby drool is mixed with formula or your baby's favorite juice drink and becomes one of life's most rank smells. It's sour and horrible. For me, it's worse than a poop diaper.

7. Plan wisely.

I'll be very careful on this one. Babies are born with a sub-conscious sensor that alerts them when it's "mommy and daddy time." Plan wisely. Fill that little bugger's stomach with formula, lay him down, and don't doddle. You never know how long you have until the all knowing one is alerted as to your intentions. Once he realizes that you may have placed your attention on something other than him, your party may be cut short. Good luck!


8. Contents under pressure.

Diapers seem harmless. Most of the time when your kid poops, diapers operate as designed. However, if your little guy or gal's tummy is upset in the least, diapers react in a very different manner. I would've never believed it before my boys were born, but it is very possible, and almost expected, for a child to poop up his back. It's the human version of zero gravity. To this day most scientist can't explain exactly how it occurs. I maintain the theory that the child simply wills it to happen to satisfy his morbid love of pooping on everything he sees.

9. Diaper rash cream smells like crap.

Not really, but your mind plays tricks on you. Because the two smells are so closely tied to one another you lose the ability to tell them apart. Your olfactory senses are confused. Every time you smell poop, it's followed by the smell of rash cream. Poop then cream. Poop then cream. After a while you will begin to obsessively wash you hands when you get cream on them because you are convinced that the smell is that of poop. My advice: visit your local auto parts store and get some of that mechanic's soap. The smell of diaper rash cream is REALLY hard to get off your hands. It's better to invest in a serious soap than walking around all day concerned that you're contaminating every thing you touch with human feces.

10. Other people's kids are diseased.

Seriously, other kids that don't live in your house are walking petri dishes. All you ever hear from parenting books and advice websites is how important it is to "socialize" your child at an early age. Screw that. Think of every kid you know. Now realize that each one of those kids may represent patient zero that will certainly create two weeks of snot and diarrhea for each and every member of your house. Load up on vap-o-rub and tissue because your child's enlightening experience of sharing drool with a room full of other people's stinky kids will probably have a dramatic affect of the stock value of Lysol. My advice: buy some more baby einstein dvds and skip play group.